Love, love is all I can think about. And that night it all happened.
Love: I’m not one to believe in soul mates. I believe that love can be a mixture of many things. Compatibility, maturity, age, and finding the one at the right time. For the longest time I told myself that I would never “fall in love”. Like, I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, but I guess I never really saw myself falling in love. I didn’t care, I’m only a teenager. Maybe it had a little to do with the fact that I fell for a guy and didn’t even know it until I felt like my heart was broken. Loving someone who didn’t even know, ultimate friend zone. I can say I still have feelings for him, but I was only given one option at the time, and that was to move on. My way of moving on was leaving the idea alone, I’m too young.
July, something changed. Honestly, weirdest shit of my life happened. I had gone to Capital Ex with a best friend of mine, we both left the house drunk, and I got separated from her. No, this isn’t the part where I tell you that I met the man that I love. No, but he saw me. I get a message the next day on nexopia of all places from some guy named Nait10 saying, “Hey, did you go to Capital Ex last night?” I was completely shocked, because maybe I was too drunk to remember him. I asked if he really knew who I was or if it was a shot in the dark. “No, I know it was you, because I remember thinking how cute you were just standing there. I really wanted to go up and talk to you but you were too beautiful.”
Time to stop and think for a second…Is he just a creep or am I going to take a leap of faith?
“Listen, I’m using mobile internet, so have my number.” I never give my number to strangers, I had no clue who this guy was. I don’t know what it was that made me decide to do it, but I did.
So we talked like anyone would.
We decided to meet up a couple of weeks later and I remember when I saw him, I thought I never saw him before in my life, and that he looked really old. Fuck, I’ve dedicated myself to spending time with him
So we decided against staying in the mall he met up with me in because of the fact that my mom was there. We hopped in his truck (which I was little sketched out by), and drove to somewhere I didn’t even know. He pointed to where his house was and all I could think was, “I didn’t agree to going to your house, great, I am a booty all.” But we kept driving. I said I wanted to go for icecream, so there we were, driven right to basket robins. I didn’t want to say anything, but when I said that I wanted ice cream, I was thinking somewhere like McDonald’s because I’m allergic to peanuts.
I ordered ice cram anyways and didn’t say a word.
Alas, we finally went to the legislature. It was kind of chilly outside but I didn’t care. We were talking about sex out of all topics, but I guess it had to deal with the fact that I was so young and had dealt with so much. Finally, we take a seat and we start talking about relationships and love.
I think this was the first time I really realized how in love I was with someone. Someone who had a girlfriend. The same guy I mentioned before. All I could do is accept the fact that I had to move on. He mentioned how he always gets friend zoned, but he’s comfortable staying in the friend zone because he dated a girl for 3 years and all it was was anger and she cheated on him. This was a three year relationship that happened three years ago. By the way he talked about it, I didn’t know it happened so long ago. I could tell his was still holding on, but at the same time so let go from her. I think it was more the idea of loving someone that he was so attached to. I guess when you’ve dated someone for that long, it’s hard to miss the feeling of being loved.
I told him my story. I told him about how after I was raped (This may come to a shock for some of you, so anyone who wants to message me about it is more than welcome to) for the second time (also, feel free to message me about that too), I couldn’t help but to sleep with so many men. You’d think my issues were caused by daddy issues. No, me being put into the situation of getting raped was caused by daddy issues. Anyways, you could call me a slut for the amount of guys I slept with. 23 men at the time. And if you could count the times I was raped by meeting up with men who were more than 10 years older than me, you wouldn’t believe the things I went through.
I couldn’t stop though. No matter how many bruises were left on my heart, no matter how many times I wanted out, I felt like something was missing. To this day, I can’t get over the fact about how much I hate how many men I let have their way with me. Like I do, I feel dead inside because of it. This is besides the point though.
I told Nathan everything because I felt comfortable with him. And then after I was done telling him about the guy who I got friend zoned with, I asked him, “Where do you think I’ll stand with you? Do you see me getting friend-zoned with you?” Do you think this is where we first kiss?
Nope, he let me ramble before he spontaneously kissed me. It was great and I asked him why. Apparently the best kisses are the ones you least expect.
I think what attracted me to him the most, was the way he held my hand. His hands were so tiny, the same size as mine (I have big hands for my size though). They fit more perfect than any guy I’ve ever met. I told him I was cold so he have me his sweater even though I already had a jacket on.
I don’t want to say this is where I started liking him, but it was definitely what got me interested. We drove the truck to an isolated area, and made out under the moonlight. He touched me, but stopped enough to respect my boundaries. Honestly, what a perfect night. We spent time just embracing each others company, some time just making out, and others bullshit about how life. Boys and girls and how our memories have led us here.
Love is what I’m thinking about because my boyfriend left for Jamaica for a week and we can barely talk to each other. These are the moments where I realize how bad I fell for this man. We didn’t leave on the greatest terms, though before he left was the first time he called me at 4AM upset. His sister crashed the truck. The truck that was full of his memories ever since he was a child. And I guess, that’s the moment where I finally realized that he relies on me the same way I rely on him. That together we can get through this. That means any problems we’ve had in our relationships which honest to God aren’t even bad at all.
I’m sad the truck is gone, because that was the entire first night I spent with him. At the same time, this is a new chapter. I’m in love and I can’t stop thinking about him.
To think we met 7 months ago, and have been almost dating for 6. I would’ve never seen this happening. But I’m glad it did. He’s the reason why I’m so strong today. He’s the reason why I can let a man touch me again. He’s the reason why I know what it’s like to be treated with respect.
He’s the reason I can be fearless and just fall. Whether it’s with him, or where life takes me.
I do, I’m in love with him.
Gets hipster glasses…………………………………………
“temaqt replied to your post: Hi”
did i do it right?